Life, Lessons & Love

My First Family

December 26, 2020

“You loved me just the same.” — Enya - Marble Halls

Technically, my first family began with Anne in 1988, and expanded with Alexandra’s birth in 1992 and Nicholas’s arrival in 1995. But here, we’ll skip ahead to my marriage to Joanne in December 2003.

Although I had only ever aspired to having two children, with the marriage to Joanne, I had three; Reagan was my child too.

Alexandra

Alexandra, Alex to start, like Mary Poppins, was practically perfect in every way. At age three, we had two discipline encounters. She had saved the terrible-twos for a year later. In both encounters, I was fearless, compassionate and fierce; wildly out of control behavior would not be tolerated. Time-outs would be enforced. “I am your father, I love you, and you will listen.” De-escalating following the second encounter, I held her tightly in my lap as I sat with her on her bed. In a sobbing voice, she articulated what too few children are able to express at any age: “Thank you for holding me. I couldn’t control myself.” Wow! That’s my girl.

That year or the next, a friend at work who adored four-year-old Alex advised, “Just wait until she reaches her teens, she’ll hate you and make you miserable.” I was thrilled to discover that he was entirely wrong. Ally is happily married now. In 2015, she and her then-boyfriend, Tommy, returned to our home to live in the studio apartment that we built out for them that year. With them so close, I was reassured that they were a match: every evening after she and Tommy came home from work, I would hear their laughter echoing through the floor of my home office. Her laugh expressed a joy that was unmistakable. Tommy proposed in December 2016. They were married in October 2017. They moved to their own home early in 2018.

Nicholas

Nicholas was also practically perfect in every way. But, he was also challenging. I knew him well: he was my brother’s clone; a free spirit. Also a C-Section delivery, but unlike his sister, not breach, his birth was protracted over 36 hours. During the delivery, we saw why: the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. His face was purple. Under the amniotic fluid, his body was yellow. Once out, he recovered rapidly. But the delivery may have foreshadowed how life would unfold over the next decade or two.

There are many stories that I imagine Nick would prefer that I not recount. Some are entertaining. Some are heartbreaking. But throughout them all, I’ve loved him just the same.

In one of the more challenging eras, I talked with Nick about his desire for a tattoo. At just fifteen, I didn’t think he was ready for it, but I wanted to talk it through with him. He wanted to get a cross spanning his shoulder blades, down his back. When I questioned, “but you’re not a Christian?” he casually responded, “No. But I will be some day.” Inspired by that thought, the message I ultimately proposed for him was “Effort Yields Results” above the cross, “Faith Yields Life” below the cross. In April 2011, I proposed: “Nixus Aedificat Frux - Fides Dat Vitae.” Over the years, he has explored both effort and faith. In Joanne’s estimation, during his high school years, often too little effort. Throughout his life, by any estimation, he has moved through life with a truly mysterious faith. I always appreciated his way of being, but I see both aspects very clearly now. He is the personification of Bruce Lee’s admonishment, “Be like water my friend.” Now, the back of Nick’s forearm reads “nihil timendum est”—literally, “nothing is to be feared.”

In May 2021, Nick married his girlfriend Brianna. As a couple they were immediately unique to me in two ways: the first day I met Brianna, it was through my windshield over the hood of my car while picking Nick up from football practice mid-Freshman year. They came together, kissed good night, and parted—to my eye, they looked like a couple that had been married for a decade. They broke up. They got back together. They broke up again. Over the years, I lost track of all the girls. “That’s my boy!” I often thought—where my dating career was lacking for the first twenty years, he made up the balance. By his and Brianna’s count, they dated over four separate intervals. When most relationships end, it is often time for both parties to move on for good; Nick and Brianna have been the exception to that wisdom.

Reagan

Reagan was just four when she came into my life. We played the “hands-to-feet game.” It was her idea; I played along, her hands on my sock-feet. We sat squashed together in a comfy chair as I read to her. Dating her mom for just a week or two at the time, it was a surprisingly intimate relationship to have so soon. But it was also completely natural.

Time flew by, and March became December. Joanne and I were married in a small ceremony immediately prior to her company’s Christmas party—at the same venue. Their party was our wedding dinner! Although I didn’t appreciate it at the time, I had not only married my wife, I had married a daughter. For these moments, the English language falls short.

Reagan was bright, loquacious, loved by all her peers. She is my butterfly. Over the years, she has brought many other butterflies into our home. A few landed, and have stayed. If not in our home, then in our hearts. But that’s another story.

Now graduated, with a Masters degree, Reagan’s story continues to unfold.