Principles, Parenting & Purpose

Pragmatic Compassion

June 26, 2022

My father was a compassionate and loving man. He was creative; he was an accomplished artist in oil, watercolor, pencil and a multitude of other mediums. He was also nurturing, both to his sons, and to the gardens he tended for over three decades. But he was an engineer, above all else.

To be an engineer, is to be, primarily, a thinker. Feelings are irrelevant. Design and mathematics are primary. Intuition may play a role, but analysis is essential. And above all else, an engineer is pragmatic.

Bridges need to be strong, resilient and last for decades, providing reliable service for unrelenting loads. But if you’ve waited in your car on a bridge as a large truck has rolled by, you’ve felt engineering pragmatism: strong enough to carry the load, not strong enough to shield you from the experience of how that load deflects the bridge.

For the Apollo space program, he worked on the Lunar Lander. His assignment was to do the design and analysis work necessary to prove that the thrust nozzle under the lander would collapse if the lander came down on top of a large boulder. It would have been bad if that nozzle caused the lander to tip over during the landing. But the nozzle also had to be strong enough to withstand the propulsion forces necessary to land in the first place! That’s pragmatism at the edge of life and death.

The term “pragmatic compassion” resonates with my experience, because it captures an idea: generally, my father wasn’t a perfectly compassionate man.

What’s the distinction?

Pragmatism includes judgement. Judgement is fundamental to engineering. But it has a darker side. The other edge of this double-sided sword is cynicism.

A homeless man approaches. The first thought in your mind? Compassion? Or judgement? Or worse yet, cynicism?

Cynicism is the rationalization for a lack of compassion; the calculation that enables us to avoid a homeless man while simultaneously feeling justified: “he would have spent the money on booze and drugs.” Or, worse: “what a dirty bum! He should get a job!”

Compassion is action without judgement. It is to look with loving eyes upon what can be done, what needs to be done, and moving forward without thought—thoughtless action in the loving service of another.

In my own life, I’ve aimed to strike a balance: I aim to look upon all others without judgment. Often, I am unsuccessful. But I pay attention, and return to that aim when I miss the mark.

In large cities, I move quickly, so it’s rare for anyone to approach me. But I have a policy which has served me well for four decades of travel: When someone asks for help, I’ll listen without judgement. Invariably, the people who have been brought into my life have a real story; life at the edge. When their story is over, I pull out my wallet, hand them a twenty dollar bill. No questions asked. No expectation.

Pragmatic compassion.