Principles, Parenting & Purpose

Transfer Of Power

November 21, 2020

It is generally understood by most parents that they have absolute power over their infant child. What is often not well understood is that authority must be relinquished gracefully.

A wise parent will do well to see with clarity that their early role is to establish appropriate discipline, and from the point of absolute control, begin the process of the transfer of power.

The parent’s role is to instruct the child in the bounds and the purpose of discipline so that the child can learn self-discipline.

What sort of self-discipline must a child learn in the earliest years? Don’t bite. Don’t hit. Share with others. Say please. Say thank you. Use your words. How to play. How to play by yourself. How to play with others. All the forms of play (coloring, building, painting, chase, etc.) How to read. How to write. How to sit still. How to be sad. How to be angry. How to say sorry. How to make a friend. How to be a good friend. …the list is endless… perhaps there are lessons you would insert into this list? Perhaps you can spot lessons that have been lost on the recent generations of children?

It should be clear that in the U.S., by age eighteen, parents have no legal authority. Although they may still have the means to exert force, and children may lack the resources to fully exert their independence, it is wise for all concerned for the transfer of power to be complete by that age.

With this context, we can understand that the transfer of authority from parent to child must shift from 100% parental control when the child is born, down to 0% parental control by the child’s eighteenth birthday. The straight line between those points indicates that by age nine, the child should, roughly speaking, control 50% of the choices in their life.

With this insight, we can spot the cause of much of the conflict between parents and teens: Discovering the imbalance, say, at age twelve, the soon-to-be-teen discovers that they do not control two-thirds of their life… too many parents still retain majority control, have only granted limited latitude, and have yet to transfer the majority of the responsibility for discipline.

Teens who lack self-discipline because their parents have failed to successfully transition the role of disciplinarian will suffer, often, radically. And their parents will suffer accordingly.

Who’s in charge? Can the child be trusted? Realize that sooner or later, there will no longer be a choice.

Teach well early. Let go early. Repeat. All too soon, it will be too late.